“The love of man to woman is a thing common and of course, and at first partakes more of instinct and passion than of choice; but true friendship between man and man is infinite and immortal."

-Plato

It’s been nearly 20 years since I left college and have found it extremely difficult to make new guy friends.  Or rather, I haven’t really made it a priority to put myself out there.  

Now, I’m kind of lost.  I mean what do I do?  

Do I go on Bumble or Tinder and ask guys to be my friend?  Seems kinda weird.

I go to the gym every morning but there is a strange almost awkward silence in the locker room.  Not that I’m going to strike up a conversation with a dude while his schlong is flopping around but damn it’s uncomfortable even when everyone is dressed.

When I’m working out that’s where my focus is.  I may ask someone for a tip here and there but other than that, I’m in the zone.

In school, it’s easier to make friends.  You’re mandated to spend a great deal of time together for years on end, not to mention there are clubs and sports available to fit any interest. 

Generally, we grow up seeing the same faces over the course of twelve plus years before parting ways and in some cases those relationships continue on as we attend the same universities.

Then, after graduation, it all seems to come to an end and real life gets really busy really quickly.

I grew up in a house dominated by women, with the estrogen levels double that of testosterone.  It was my dad and I against four women.  My dad worked to support all of those mouths leaving me to fend for myself.  

You’d think that would mean I’d find solace at school with alot of male friends.  Not so.  I gravitated towards having more female friends.  Which was great.  Some of the best friendships I’ve maintained to this day have been with women. But we live in different parts of the country and have our own lives, so we don't talk often. 

Over the past decade, I haven’t put an emphasis on making new friends.  A good majority of that time I was in a relationship and while I recognized the need to have my own life I just figured his friends would become my friends.  And to an extent they did.  But they weren’t mine.

The relationship ended more than 5 years ago and he kept his friends, rightfully so.  Not to mention I moved several hundred miles away. 

My schedule consists of going to the gym, going to work then coming home and working on something for Men’s Empowerment Network.  Weekends are generally filled with more work for the coaching business and the occasional outing alone.

For the most part, I feel productive and like I am moving in a positive direction in my professional life but it is starting to feel like a lonely road.

My parents are in their 70’s now and live a solitary life.  They rarely go out and have no friends to speak of, spending most of their time watching television.  

It seems like such a lonely existence, one that I worry will happen to me unless I take action.

A man needs guy friends.

Traditionally, women are thought of as the more emotional and nurturing sex, and maybe they are, but clearly that proves to be an asset in building new relationships.  

In the locker room guys stare dead ahead and dare not speak a word.  It really confuses me.  I’m not sure if they simply don’t want to draw attention to themselves or if the fear of thinking someone thinks you’re gay is so egregious, they just close themselves off to the possibility.

Thing is, I’m a gay guy and I do the same thing.  I puff up my chest, stare dead ahead and don’t say a word out of fear of showing vulnerability.

But this masculine ego and fear extend outside the locker room.

When you pass another guy on the sidewalk, what do you do?

If you’re anything like me you probably take up more space than you really need to, eye him up and down and make a judgment call about who can take who.  Which, for me, is kind of ridiculous cause I’m 5’9” and so not intimidating.

What is the point of throwing up these impenetrable walls and closing ourselves off from other males without so much as a small consideration about how a bond might enrich our lives?

Not only does strong male bonding bring more joy and purpose to our lives but alleviates emotional isolation, which can lead to depression, obesity, heart disease and a host of other issues.

So, how do we make new friends in this world where most people are more interested in their phones than having conversations and live a life that is constantly on the move?

Drop the Muchisimo.

I deal with this as much as any other guy.  Testosterone and pre-historic aggression hasn’t completely evolved out of our system yet.  And maybe for good reason.  If there’s an imminent threat I want to be able to protect myself and those I care about.  While we aren’t running from 50 foot lizards looking to eat us, we can’t go a week without hearing about a mass shooting or robbery or murder.

But chances are it’s not coming from a guy you pass on the sidewalk or sit next to in a coffee house or even in the gym locker room. 

I started watching a program on Netflix about a group of chimps living in Uganda and it was fascinating watching the personalities of the male members of the group.  The alpha male walks through the group smug and authoritative while others part ways for him.  Then there’s an up and coming male plotting and planning to dethrone the elder.  Then there’s one who is timid and really just wants to find a friend.

We may be at the top of the evolutionary ladder, but we certainly haven’t come as far as we think.

The ego and programming that men have to be dominant and emotionally shut off in order to be considered a real man has left us at a huge disadvantage.  When, in fact, collectively sharing thoughts and feelings makes us stronger.

Just look at movements like Women’s Liberation, Civil Rights, Gay Rights, Me Too.

Tearing down the walls of fear and expressing vulnerability and commonality bring us guys closer together and create a richer, more meaningful experience.

So calm down.  We are not weak, we are not gay, we are not a pussy when we allow ourselves to be open to giving and receiving kindness and love from another dude.

It’s time to get out of our own way.

Get Social… Offline.

I joked around about using Bumble or Tinder to find new friends, but I’ve actually tried it.  And some connection can be made online.  The problem I’ve found with that is in using apps guys are able to hide behind a screen, myself included.  We would have great conversations that would last for a few weeks but then eventually fizzle out.  Or when it seemed right to meet up face to face, something would always come up… or more likely we’d chicken out.

It’s too easy to just let your thumbs do the talking.

Real friendship.  Real Connection.  These come from personal engagement where you can share energy and look someone in the eye.

In order to do this we’ve got to get out of the house.  I know.  If you’re anything like me you like to stay home inside your bubble and do your thing.  But I promise no one is coming to knock on your door looking for friendship.

A buddy of mine at work and I were having a conversation and he mentioned that he’d like to find a wife.  He’s in his early fifties or so, nice guy, good-looking.  So, I wouldn’t think it would be that difficult for him.  But when I asked him what he does in his free time he responded that most of his time is spent playing Call of Duty on XBox.  He’s a religious man and followed up with if it’s in the Lord’s plan, it’ll happen.

Well, sometimes even God needs a little help.  The wife he’s wanting probably isn’t online playing Call of Duty.  Sorry.

But that goes very much for myself as well.  If I’m not at the gym or work, I’m at home.

I have a lot of different interests like art, photography, theatre, hiking, working out, cooking, traveling, the list goes on and on.  Not to mention, I love trying new things.

There is so much opportunity to join communities within some of those interests.  In school, my best friends shared similar interests and we were bonded inside of these groups.

The cool thing is we don’t even need to step outside of our comfort zone.  It’s simply doing things that we already enjoy.

We just need to get off our ass and do it.

Schedule it.

This might sound like the stupidest thing ever.  Schedule time to make friends.  How lame.  It’s like scheduling sex with your partner.  No romance in that.

But what happens when you don’t?  You fall right back into the same routine, the same pattern and another day, month, year goes by and you're still in the same friendless situation.

I have found when I schedule things regardless of whether it is meeting someone new or working on a project it is more likely to happen.

When I don’t put it in my calendar and then all of a sudden the time to meet sneaks up on me I usually find an excuse not to go.

I don’t know if I have a mild case of social anxiety or not but I have found it really helpful to be able to mentally prep before meeting new people.  Having meetup events on the calendar seems to help.

Make a Move.

Guys are taught and have a predetermined disposition to approach women, regardless of your sexuality, of course, for different reasons.  But the dance is still the same.

You start off with some small talk, find some commonality and take it from there.

But if you want to make friends, you’ve got to be willing to make the first move.

The fear of rejection is apparent whether you are approaching a guy or girl.  It’s going to happen.  They’re either in a place where they want to connect or they’re not.  And sometimes they may want to connect just not with you.  This can certainly be difficult to accept, but it’s a part of humanity.  And let’s be honest, you don’t want to connect with everyone that approaches you.  Sometimes energies just don’t match up.

But you’ve got to be willing to give it a go.  And keep giving it a go.  You’ll never score a touchdown if you’re not in the game.

I poked fun at talking to guys in the locker room.  And there is certainly an awkward energy amongst the odor of sweaty gym socks.  But I’ve given this a try on a few occasions.

You get into a routine and you see the same faces every day, much like school.  One day I finally decided to drop the guard and simply say hi.  He was a pleasant guy and we struck up a brief conversation before going about our day.  That simple conversation has progressed into opening up a little about each other’s lives, work and hobbies.

We haven’t hung out outside of the gym, but I could potentially see that happening.  At least I opened the door to possibility.

On another occasion, I followed the same pattern.  We had gotten to the gym about the same time and our lockers were close to each other.  I said hey.  He said hey and then he just left to get his workout in.

Not gonna lie, I felt a little rejected.  It happens.  The important thing is we don’t let that impede us from moving forward without coming across as desperate.

Unplug

In this technological world we are always plugged in and shut off to what is going on and who is around us.  

From a body language perspective this is terrible for opening yourself up meeting new people.  I was in the barber shop today getting a haircut when these two brothers came in, plopped down, reached into their front pockets and pulled out their phones.  They remained that way until I left.

This has become a regular part of life and studies have shown that people are increasingly feeling more lonely, which makes perfect sense.  We engage far more with our devices than we do with other human beings and we are social creatures by nature.  We are denying our very nature.

If you’re on a mission to increase or improve your circle of friends, it may be a good idea to put down the phone and take out the earbuds at least for a short period of time.

This is actually advice I need to take more of myself.  It becomes so much easier to keep my head down and scroll through social media or pop in my earbuds and zone out than it is to be receptive to meeting new guys.

A while back, I was on my way out of a coffee shop.  It was one of those rare times I didn’t have my headphones in while listening to a podcast or an audiobook and I passed a guy reading Automic Habits.  It was a book I had on my Amazon wishlist but hadn’t gotten around to at that time.

Normally, I would have just made a mental check to grab that book and keep going.  I mean the guy was reading and I didn’t want to bother him.

But that day was different.

I’m not sure what it was.  My energy was good, it was a beautiful day, I was just in an awesome mood.  So, I stopped and I struck up a short conversation with him about entrepreneurship and the book.  We exchanged numbers and moved on with our day.

I followed up with him a short while after that but that relationship didn’t move further than that.

Not really the point.

The point is I unplugged and opened myself up to meeting someone new.

Friends are an important part of a man’s life.  Guys outside of your romantic relationships that we can communicate with and form connections.

If you’re in a position where you are feeling isolated, lonely, depressed or simply stuck in life it may be time to open yourself up to increasing or upgrading your circle of guy friends.

CHALLENGE

This week become open to meeting one new person.  When you are in a public spot like the gym, the subway or a coffee house, put the phone in your pocket and take out the earbuds.  Take a look around and see if there is something you can find in common.  It could be a cool pair of shoes - that’s a favorite of mine.  It could be a book, sports, whatever.  

And strike up a conversation.

The simple act of having a conversation with another guy is empowering.