“The principles of living greatly include the capacity to face trouble with courage, disappointment with cheerfulness, and trial with humility.”
- Thomas S. Monson

Disappointment is a natural part of life.  No guy enjoys it, but every guy must go through it at one time or another.

Recently, I was gunning for a job that would have increased my pay by 40%.  I had all of the qualifications and let me tell you, I crushed those interviews.  And I don’t mean to say that arrogantly, I’m telling you I was confident leaving all three of the interviews.  The company even flew me to their headquarters in Texas to meet some of the team members.  I was absolutely positive that I was the top candidate for the position.  When I asked the hiring manager during the last interview what would stand in the way of them offering me the position, the only hurdle they had was one other candidate to interview the following week.

Well, shit.  No one could possibly be as charming and charismatic as myself, so I wasn’t worried.

Guess I should have upped the charm a little more because in the end they went with the other guy.

Was I disappointed when the recruiter broke the news to me?  Fuck yeah I was.  In essence, I felt rejected and who feels good getting rejected?

Fortunately, I began practicing detachment to the outcome of the decision at the early stages of the process.  I made up my mind that I would do everything in my power to crush those interviews.  And I did.  But conditioned myself to believe that the end result was out of my hands.

So, how do we begin to manage, process
and get over disappointment to move on?

Become Vigilantly AWARE.
Often when guys encounter a disappointing situation their first instinct is to swallow those feelings of sadness, disappointment, worry, or anger and tell themselves to just move on.  This may seem to work in the short-term, but can be detrimental to long-term growth.  A string of disappointments left unchecked can lead to a cosmic shift in your psyche and annihilate your confidence when taking future calculated risks.

Not a good place to be.

Instead become vigilantly aware of how you are feeling when moments of disappointment arise.  This means paying attention to the feelings in your body and the thoughts in your mind.  

When the recruiter broke the news to me, I immediately felt small stab in my chest followed by the thought of the word “fuck.”  To be honest, I'm sure the thought made its way to my vocal cords and I said it out loud in the middle of the gym.

It was a response to the feeling of rejection.  I felt it and I acknowledged it.

That gave me a jumping off point to begin to process, learn and grow.

Give it Time.
There is an old adage that says Time Heals All Wounds.  Now, I hate stupid little phrases like this… mainly because they’re usually true and they piss me off because they’re true.

SIDEBAR: On the topic of old phrases, when you are talking to someone about the feelings you are having surrounding the disappointment you recently experienced and they tell you something like, “Something better will come along” or “God never closes a door without opening a window” please make sure you communicate a boundary and let them know that you are looking for an empathetic ear and you want your feelings to be validated.

No doubt they have the best intentions in mind, but you have a right to have your feelings.  You know shit will get better, this isn’t your first disappointment.  It won’t be your last.  But at that moment you just need to vent.

I digress.

Some mentors and coaches will advise you to set a period of time to allow yourself to be disappointed.  I don’t really feel this is good advice.  Some disappointments will take more time than others to get over than others.  Not getting a job will probably take a day or two for me to get over, but the loss of a long-term relationship or the loss of a loved one will naturally take longer.

This is why being vigilantly aware of your thoughts and emotions is EXTREMELY important.  After a good night’s sleep, I felt about 80% better and as the new day goes on the worry, fear and disappointment steadily declines.

There is a trap we could fall into if we aren’t paying attention to our thoughts and emotions and that is the hole of becoming a victim.  That is where we lose our concept of reality and allow those thoughts of rejection to roll around in our heads long past the expiration date.  Our feelings have leveled out but our innate negative bias keeps churning around upstairs.

That state will never serve you, so be aware and if you notice yourself slipping into that trap it’s time for IMMEDIATE action.

Treat Yo Self!
If you have done everything you possibly can to produce a favorable outcome and it just doesn’t turn out, treat yourself to some kind of reward.  It won’t just give you a quick shot of dopamine (the feel good neurotransmitter) but it will also condition you mentally to understand and believe that when you put in the work good things will happen thereby giving you confidence to try again.

After I found out about the job, I decided to take the evening off.  I cleared my schedule, ordered chinese food and ice cream then watched a movie on Netflix.  It was exactly the break I needed- not to mention but me in a food coma that helped me pass out for the rest of the night.

But you do you man.  Make some time to do whatever it is that brings you joy.  Not only do you deserve it, but chances are you probably haven’t done anything nice for yourself in a while.  And it’s way overdue.

Surround Yourself with Good Dudes.
There is something to be said about positive male bonding to pull you out of a funk.  Schedule a guy’s night out with some of your closest buddies.  

With today’s technology it doesn’t even have to be in person.

The night I received the news I jumped into a Zoom meeting with an awesome group of guys and I let them know what was going on.  The amount of support I received from those dudes was incredible.  I told them I was trying to get the job and they were all rooting for me, so when I told them I had been passed over for it they shared in my disappointment.  We were in it together.

And let’s not kid each other, it wouldn’t be a good group of guys without tossing a few jabs at one another but that’s part of the fun.  It helps to get out of your head.

Any Positives?
So, every upset has some positive aspects to it.  It definitely won’t seem like it in the moment, but once a little time has passed you might be able to find a few silver linings regardless of the situation.  In my case, now I don’t have to worry about selling all my stuff (I despise packing up all my stuff and loading and unloading it) and moving halfway across the country.  Now, I get to stay for a little while longer and watch my little nieces and nephew grow up a bit more.  It was over 100 degrees and everything was all dried up in Texas.  I don’t think I saw a single spec of green.  There weren’t any hiking trails.  And quite frankly when I took time to walk around the downtown area I just didn’t get “that vibe” of feeling like home.

So maybe… just maybe it worked out for the best.

Even if the disappointment is heart-breaking and earth shattering, like being left at the alter.  Dude, that’s going to be a rough one to get over and it may take a long time to find the brightside but there’s one out there.

This may sound like some hokey bullshit, but I believe the universe conspires in our favor.  Believe me, I didn’t always think that way.  I used to believe if everything didn’t go exactly to my plan the entire world was going to implode.  I’ve since learned to relax a bit and have a little faith.  Sometimes it doesn’t come easy.  When I moved up to the Carolinas from Florida after the ending of a long-term relationship I was lost.  Never in my life had I intended on visiting, much less living, in the Carolinas.  But in the time I’ve been here, I’ve been able to build a solid relationship with my youngest sister and be involved with her growing family.  In addition, I learned a new industry from the ground up.  Not to mention, I’ve been able to explore some fascinating and beautiful places in the area and afar.

None of that would have been possible had the relationship not ended.

Funny how life and the universe play things out.