“Care about people’s approval, and you will be their prisoner.”
-Lao Tzu

Ever meet a guy who just seems to stroll through life?  Things just kind of wash off him and nothing really seems to bother him.  He’s okay with looking like a fool in public and doesn’t really care what others think about him.

Those guys seem so free, so happy.  How in the hell do they reach that level of peace?

For decades, this was not my case.  I was consumed with what others thought of me, manipulating my personality so I could fit in with the others around me.

In high school, I prided myself on being a chameleon.

Regardless of whether I was at work, school or just hanging out my top priority was to do everything I needed in order to fit in.  If it meant alcohol, I’d booze it up.  Drugs… no problem.  Money, clothes, whatever.  It didn’t matter.  I had this overwhelming desire to get people to like and accept me.

This hangup followed me well into adulthood and has held me back on so many occasions from achieving my goals.

At 20, I moved to Los Angeles to work as an actor; however, when it came to photoshoots for headshots or going on auditions I would clam up.  Not because I was nervous, at least not primarily.  I was worried about what the photographer or director thought of me and it prohibited me from completely immersing myself in the role.

I’ve also experienced this in the dating world.  There have been many dates that I’ve gone on and for one reason or another I never hear from them again.  At that point I would become consumed with ripping myself and the experience apart in a desperate attempt to figure out what could have possibly gone wrong.

There was this one guy I had hung out with a number of times.  He was attractive; although a little timid, we both seemed to have a good time together.  Then all of a sudden… nothing.  No response to my texts, so I dropped it for a while.  Then several months had passed and I hit him up again only to be blocked.  I couldn’t understand it.

Did I say something wrong?  Did I do something?

I began to obsess over what he could have been thinking.

It used to happen all the time at work as well.  In my relentless ambition to climb to the top of the corporate ladder, I would take every glance, every word, every motion the boss gave me to heart… especially if I felt there was criticism behind it.

This recently happened with a project manager.  The job we were working on had completely gone to shit.  Material was late.  Assemblies were showing up to the site fabbed incorrectly.  Anything and everything that could go wrong on this job did.  The whole thing was just off the rails.  And of course everyone was looking for someone else to blame.

On this specific sequence, I had purchased material for our fab shop to work it out and get it done.  He, unbeknownst to me, had subbed the work out to another shop.  Meaning, the material was going to be fabbed twice.

When I confronted him about the situation, he threw up his hands and told me, “It’s Done.”

It was actually quite comical looking back on it.  It was the equivalent of a 3 year old throwing a fit in a toy store.  So, I got pissed off and just walked away.

But, that didn’t stop my mind from churning about what he was thinking about me and my ability to communicate and do my job.

“Does he think I’m incompetent?”

“Why is he such an asshole to me?”

“Maybe I do just suck at my job.”

These conversations rolled around in my head for days.  It was basically all I could think about.

While I have been doing alot of work on myself over the past few years to care about what other people think of me less, there are still moments where certain people and events just eat at me.

It’s Biological…

There, of course, is a biological reason for this.  At our core, we are social creatures.  Our long ago ancestors were forced into societies for survival.  Those who weren’t able to abide by sociological expectations of the time were ousted and more than likely died.

Those long ingrained beliefs and rituals became a part of our DNA and have not yet mutated away.  Even after millions of years of evolution we continue to harbor those fears of rejection and that need to be accepted.

But What’s the Cost?

But all those years constantly giving a shit about what people think about me hasn’t really helped me.  In fact, it robbed me of understanding more about who I am as a man.  It has robbed me of really focusing and going after the things I want in my life.  It has robbed me of happiness and self-security.  It led me to go on a path of complete self-annihilation and blow up my life on more than one occasion.

It was exhausting always caring about how others perceived me.

How did I get to that Point?

Over the past few years, I’ve taken a deep dive into why I cared so much about what others thought of me and have taken corrective action resulting in living a life where I’m not afraid to show up as who I am.  And let me tell you it has been so freeing.  There has been a HUGE weight lifted since I learned to care less.

I’ve learned that this desperate need to always have people like me and accept me stems from the validation I felt I didn’t receive from my parents.

I know.  Sounds like the typical blame the parents bullshit blah blah blah.  But there is scientific research behind this.

And it makes sense.  Guys need to know they are being appreciated, that what they do and what they say matters.  It’s part of being human.

My mom was physically and emotionally abusive growing up.  So, out of preservation, I would walk on eggshells around the house and try to stay out of her way as much as possible.

My dad worked most of the time and when he was at home and when he was around he pretty much let me do my own thing.  I later discovered it was his belief to allow me to discover the world for myself in order to become completely independent.

But in any case, very rarely was there any praise or validation.  I was a great student, I joined boy scouts and baseball, I even took home Nationals on my air rifle team.  All in hopes of finally being able to make my parents proud.

Aside from the occasional “Good Job,” I got nothing.  And yet when one of my sisters did something seemingly minor there were banners and a parade.

At least that’s how it seemed.  That’s how my mind processed it.  And so subconsciously I came to the realization that nothing I ever did was good enough.

So, what did I do?

I began seeking validation anywhere and from anyone I could get it.

This lasted long into adulthood.

The turning point came during my last mission of self destruction.  I was on a rage and alcohol bender that basically lasted 2 years.  I had ruined pretty much everything in my life.  And when I came out of it I was so exhausted from all of the people pleasing and playing nice and moving in directions I felt others wanted me to go in that I had to make a change.

But Thirty-Nine Years of Habit wasn’t going to be easy to break.  And it certainly wasn’t going to happen over night.

Here’s what I did and am still working on.

Get Empathetic

There are a shit ton of trolls out there online and in person who are ready to tear you down. 

Popular psychology has determined this is not necessarily a you issue but more about the qualities they don’t like in themselves.

Here’s the thing.  Those people who feel they have nothing better to do with their time and energy are simply seeking validation for themselves.  Looking for ways to build up their self-esteem in the only manner they know how… making others feel small.

One thing I’ve recently learned to do in these cases is to see people who I previously found intimidating or was seeking validation from is to look at them as if they are a kindergartner.

And let’s be honest, the people cutting you down basically have the maturity level of a kindergartner.

There is a great scene in Ted Lasso about this.  It was in Season 3 where Rebecca Welton, the owner of the Richmond football league, faced a board room full of billionaires discussing the opportunity to make more money by disregarding the fans and changing the rules of the game to benefit only wealthy spectators.

She was floored but in this room of powerful men who openly belittled and sexualized her she felt intimidated.

That is until she viewed them as little 5 year old boys.  Suddenly they weren’t as intimidating.  And her power grew.

Now, when I look at my boss or that project manager or that troll whose goal it is to make me feel bad about myself as a 5 year old, they are no longer intimidating and their belittling doesn’t mean as much.

Understand What You Value.

For decades, I changed myself based on what I thought others valued in life, completely dismissing myself in the process.

I changed my emotions, the way I acted, the way I talked, even career paths based on the idea that I had to conform to others ideas of what I should be.

For the longest time I completely avoided the topic of homosexuality because I believe it made others feel uncomfortable and in turn made me feel uncomfortable.

Thing is, I'm a gay dude.  I’m not out there waving rainbow flags or wearing daisy duke cutoff jean shorts - that just isn't me.  If that’s your authentic self and you’re not simply doing it to gain attention, cool.

But being gay is a part of my life and it’s a part of my life that I value.  So, in recent years I’ve allowed myself to open up and become more vulnerable about that part of my life with people I trust.  I mean I’m not going to walk up to a stranger and introduce myself as “Joshua, the homosexual,” but I have placed more value on being authentic and that’s a part of it.

I’ve also placed a lot more value on creating a positive impact not only on myself but on men across the globe.  So, when someone asks me to do something that impedes or is not in alignment with the things I value at this point in my life, I adapt the authority to say no and not feel bad about it or worry about what they are going to think of me.

I’m currently working on a Financial Empowerment Course for Men, which means I’ve got to shoot videos.  For the longest time I would purposefully schedule these shoots when my roommate wasn’t home, not because he’s noisy or distracting.  He rarely comes out of his bedroom.  But because I was worried about what he would think of me.  It got to the point where I was constantly putting off shooting these lessons because our work schedules are similar and we always wound up home at the same time.

Finally, I had to realize that I was putting more value on what he thought of me than taking the necessary steps needed to launch this course.

I had to reevaluate and get back in alignment with my purpose.

So, I told him what I was going to do and I did it.  He closed his bedroom door so neither of us would bother each other and it all worked out.

But it felt so empowering to become completely lined with what I value and take the appropriate actions despite the fear of being judged.

So, you may ask yourself how often do you allow others opinions about you or that pesky fear of rejection to come in between you and what you value most?

Remember this Phrase

“People’s Opinion of you is NONE of Your Business.”
-Steve Harvey

This was kind of a game changer for me.  When I first heard this I had one of those perfect moments of clarity.

People are going to talk.  People are going to whisper.  People are going to think in their own way about you.

That’s life.

But it is up to you how you respond to it and let it affect the way you think and speak and act.

My dad always told me that men don’t gossip, they don’t spread rumors.  Apparently, that was only true in his world.  

When I started in the steel industry, I started by working in the shop surrounded by blue collared, regular guys.  But damn, you would have thought I was actually working in some sort of beauty salon.  The slightest bit of gossip would ignite a fire that spread around the plant like an inferno.

And when one of the guys found out I was gay, that blew up like Hiroshima.  

Of course, very few ever confronted or asked me about it.  But it was subtle glances or whispers or innuendos.  

At first, it bothered me.  Really bothered me.  I felt like I had been “found out” and in this very conservative part of the country I felt like I had to be on guard.  I closed myself off and tried extra hard to be perceived as “a man.”

Damn, that’s exhausting.

Until I got tired of it and implemented the process of empathy, knowing my value and minding my own business in regards to what others thought.

While I still don’t introduce myself as Joshua, the gay dude, I will certainly talk with guys who ask about the subject.

The same goes for this empowerment journey.  I used to be embarrassed about telling people that I am a personal development coach working to empower men because I felt I would immediately feel judged about why I’m focusing on men or what gives me the right.

Now, I realize what they think doesn’t really matter and I’m not only doing a disservice to myself and others by not openly talking about it.

Get Self Empowered

Understand that when you begin to care less about what others think of you, you are creating more empowerment within yourself.  You are allowing yourself to truly discover who you are as a man and giving yourself permission to walk your own path.

The journey isn’t always going to be easy, I mean you’re fighting millions of years of embedded evolution and decades of built up fear.  But the weight you are able to take off your shoulders, the space you are able to clear up in your mind is so undeniably liberating.

It is absolutely empowering.

Challenge:

Try going one week and focus on caring about every little thing.

I know, it sounds absolutely ridiculous but I heard about this from Mel Robbins and thought it was brilliant.

When you draw your attention to worrying about what other people think at every moment of the day you will quickly realize how mentally and physically draining it is.  You will also realize how much of yourself you have been giving away all these years and will want to make a change.

So, if you are a constant people pleaser always putting other people’s needs ahead of your own.  If you have put off doing things in your life that you believe would bring you more happiness and fulfillment in fear of what others might think.  If you change your personality or your words or your actions to get more people to like you.

Know this.

You, as a man, hold value exactly as you are and it is time to give yourself permission to follow your own journey.