“It’s about being able to go through the grind, willing to get back up when you’re knocked down.  And when life’s not going well, not getting down on yourself and just getting back up and getting back to work, and striving to be the best you can be.”

-Robbie Lawler

It’s been more than two months since my last post.  And normally I’d be really embarrassed to admit this considering I coach men on improving the four pillars (finances, relationships, health and spirituality) but this has been a huge opportunity for growth and I wanted to share it with you.

Here’s the Deal.

I’m an alcoholic.  I’ve been battling with this illness for around 20 years now and every time I have a good lick of sobriety my ego takes control and I fall into a pit of loneliness and isolation then subsequently off the wagon.

Sometime around mid-June, I fell and I fell hard.  It was a Friday evening and I had an issue with something involving my boss at work.  That issue quickly escalated into a hardcore resentment.  Funny thing - or maybe not so funny - looking back it wasn’t a single incident.  It was the culmination of a multitude of little things that compounded over several months until it all boiled over and the volcano finally erupted.

A simple drink to take a bit of the edge off intensified into a drinking binge that ended in a car accident, legal issues, hurt relationships and the loss of a job… all within a matter of two weeks.  I basically blew up my entire life.

Was the material shit gone, yeah - my life had been turned upside down.  But even more than that there was a canyon-sized void where my soul should have lived.  I felt empty, alone and at the point where I really didn’t care if I continued on.

It was then I made the decision to get additional help and check myself into a rehab facility.

And although my job fired me after four years of service while I was in rehab (there may be a few resentments I still need to work on), it was the best decision I’ve made in a long time.

Humble Yourself.

The first thing I had to do before I could pick myself up was to acknowledge the fact that my life was not heading in the direction I wanted it to go.  One would think that a DUI would be enough to cause a cosmic shift, but not always.  Truth be told, even after the accident and night in jail, I continued to drink before reaching out for help.

I had to get to the point where I just couldn’t take it anymore- emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  Some call it a bottom.  Now, hopefully you don’t have to blow up your life to realize change needs to happen.  But, regardless of whether you have an addiction or not, the greatest motivation for change is when you are in the pits of despair.  Whether it’s looking at your family and realizing that no matter how hard you try you can’t make ends meet or the stress in your relationship has gotten so great you can’t look at each other without getting into a fight, there comes a point where you are given the gift of desperation.

You’re at the point where you either shift directions or you wither and die.

This is where humility comes in and believe me it’s not easy.  To drop the ego is not easy.  Believe me.  As dudes we have the natural instinct to stay strong, stand tall and keep fighting.  But you may want to ask yourself, “is this fight working?”  If it’s not, then it may be time to admit defeat, swallow the pride and admit it’s time for a change.

Now, that is strength.

Bond with Some Dudes.

For most of my life, it has been my M.O. to swallow any negative or angry emotions and put on a smile so everything seemed to be alright on the outside.  Gotta keep on that armor.  And it makes sense.  While in rehab, I learned that a majority of our coping mechanisms were derived as survival tactics to handle childhood trauma.

This made a lot of sense to me.  As a child, I was subjected to years of physical, emotional and mental abuse.  I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells and worked very hard to be invisible as much as possible so as not to endure the wrath that would surely come.  With this, I learned to bottle up all of my emotions until it became too much and I would just explode or find some outlet to release the pressure valve.  In my case, drinking.

Then, I found myself in rehab and suddenly I was thrust into this insanely safe environment surrounded by people with similar backgrounds all seeking a new path to enrich their lives.  And within those walls I formed a core group of about 5 guys.

In and out of group sessions and therapy we talked about the shit that was going on in our lives and rolling around in our heads.

Was it awkward?  Yeah, it was awkward as fuck at first.  But the results and the sense of relief brought on afterwards were insane.  

So, regardless of whether you’re having money troubles, relationship problems, or issues with your health or spirituality, find a group of dudes who you can trust and confide in.  They may not be able to solve all your problems but the simple act of getting shit off your chest will relieve so much stress.

And what would a group of guys be without busting some chops and just shooting the shit?  Real Connection.

Take Inventory and Make a Plan.

When you fuck up and fall to your knees, it’s a great time to figure out the reasons that lead up to the incident.  Chances are it’s not what you think.  Usually, it’s not a single incident that knocks you down but the little things that compile upon themselves.  Then all of a sudden the most innocuous thing is what breaks the camel’s back.

This relapse didn’t happen because of a conversation I had with my boss, but a compilation of seemingly snide comments, looks of suspicion and unfounded accusations.  Her minor dismissal of a request I made was just the breaking point that I used to justify going on a drinking spree.

It doesn’t matter if it’s an addiction such as alcoholism. This applies to financial issues, relationship issues and any other turmoil in your life.  Your marriage or relationship didn’t crumble because you didn’t take out the trash for the one hundredth time.  You didn’t lose your house because of one missed payment.

Taking a personal inventory gives you the opportunity to take a step back and look at all of the choices and actions made that lead you up to your current situation.  This may mean backtracking a long way, but if you are able to get clear on the little shit that steered you in the wrong direction it’ll be much easier to spot those disturbances when they come up in the future.  And they will.

When you have the inventory completed it’s time to take responsibility and put a plan into action.  There is no sense in dwelling on the mistakes of the past.  There is simply nothing you can do about them.  But what you can do is be mindful and aware when those choices come up again so you can quickly pivot and change course.

Grow Your Spirit.

For the longest time, I claimed to be spiritual.  Not religious, but spiritual.  But the truth of the matter is there has always been a void in the middle of my chest where my soul should have lived.  I attempted to fill that void with accomplishments, ego, work, status, the gym and basically anything else I could find.  Surprise surprise.  Nothing worked.

It wasn’t until I was completely beaten down, broken and tired of how I was feeling on the inside that I made the decision to try something new and reach for help from a higher source.

Now, I’m not going to go into my beliefs in this article because they’re irrelevant.  The important thing is that you find a way to connect with whatever it is you ever believe in.

For me it was a moment of clarity that made me realize I was so far away from the man I wanted to be spiritually.  So, I woke up on a Monday morning after a two week bender and a weekend of unspeakable debauchery and decided to try something different and connect with a power greater than myself.

In the past several weeks, I’ve practiced turning things I can’t control over to the universe.  I’ve also reinstated a meditation practice as well as reading and listening to things that inspire me to spiritually empower myself.

And in such a short amount of time, I can’t even describe the sense of peace that has come over me in not trying to control every aspect of my life, especially the things in life I cannot control.

Case in point, recently I interviewed for a new purchasing manager position in Texas.  I flew down for a day and met with the vice president as well as the general manager and I humbly say I crushed that fucking interview.  I was honest, open and authentic.  I walked away from the shop with my head held high and with a strut in my step.  The VP said the position will come down to me and another applicant.

I know I did everything in my power to lock down that position.  Now, I simply have to let the outcome happen as it may.  And trust me, this is a daily practice.  As someone who anally attempted to control every aspect of his life with much anxiety, I’ve constantly got to remind myself to take a step back and remind myself what I can and cannot control.

Wrapping it Up.

Dude, we all have our shit.  There are going to be times when life beat the fuck out of you and you stumble to your knees.  It happens to the most successful of men so you are in good company.  But that doesn’t mean you have to stay on your knees.  At any point you have the opportunity to change direction and shift towards becoming the man you want to be: in finances, in relationships, in health and in spirituality.

You Crash.  You Burn.  You Rebuild.

It’s up to you to make the change and I’m happy to help where I can.

If you would like to set up a free consultation, please email me at joshua@mensempowermentnetwork.com